more jokes

[tonto33]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"



An Australian found himself in a brothel in Kings Cross and decided to approach a prostitute. Not a bad looking Sheila as it happened.

He asked her, "How much do you charge for the hour?

"£100," She replied.

"Do you do Aussie style?"

Not knowing exactly what this was she refused.

He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I'll pay you £300 to do it Aussie style".

Again she declined.

Being the persistent type, he laid down the final offer, "I'll give you £500 to go Aussie style with me!

What do you say?"

Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now.

I've been there and done that, and had every kind of request from weirdo's from all over the world.

How bad could Aussie style be?"

After several intense hours of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said.

"That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.

Where does the Aussie style' come in?"

The Aussie opened a can of beer and replied, "I'll pay you next Wednesday when I get my dole cheque.


Two couples were playing cards one evening.
John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down
under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress. Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you £500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best . face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."


An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went
to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells
them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You **** her again."


A guy is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts !"Could you fix the Fridge door? It won't close properly."

"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Zanussi written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"Does it look like I've got Ronseal written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

"Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice and very handsome young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?", he asked.

She replied: "HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead? I don't think so!!"

[paul_h]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,

'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

[kooler]

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb??

Just one; but it takes an emergency room to get it back out....