Her majesties Royal navy

[MikeHolm]

Grabbed this from another site:


The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches – this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels ."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."


Congrats on your new ship, I say..... Mikeref says..."oi...wheres the navy rum"

[chilliwilly]

You forgot to mention... All meat will be halal, bacon will be forbidden on board ship as will all other pork or beef products, your under aged daughter may be groomed by certain minorities whilst visiting on open days as it is their way of getting away with paedophillia. Whilst the crew are performing tactical manouvre drills, certain members will be able to remove themselves from the crew to pray, followed by spitting on the pollished floor when they are done. All toilets are to be sunk into to the floor to enable a squatting position and the ship will have to come about so it doesn't face East whilst someone is having a sh!t, and if misses do occur the next person will have to hope they don't slip and fall down the bog.

Queuing has been abolished as certain cultures on board cannot understand its concept. Anyone caught celebrating tactical assaults and hits to the enemy will be dissmissed and discharged from the RN for misunderstanding the concept of a P.C. battle. Any assylum seekers that are in danger of death if they return to their forebearing countries, that have been given special permission to join the RN. Will be granted permission to have shore leave to visit their families and friends if the ship docks in ports of that country. Anyone found not understanding languages other than English whilst on board will be deemed as a racist and will also result in a dishonourable discharge following a court Marshall.

Any crew member not pulling their weight or performing their duties up to requirements, will have at least 4 other crew members as chaparones and skivvies to wash and pollish their kit, and maybe even the slack crew member if requested. Certain crew members will be allowed to dissmiss themselves where an assault on an enemy may involve the enemy forebearing from the same country or culture as them. And will be allowed to mutiny against the command and take possesion and control of the ship. Any resistance toward them will be conceived as treason and racist.

And women of all cultures will have their face covered at all times so anti discrimination is adhered to. Certain crew members found drunk whilst on duty will not be disciplined if they say that their religion forbids it, and that's a fact because they say so. The term "Roger" and "Over" wil no longer be used whilst transmitting on radio due to it being misconstrued by gay members. Any young single female crew members wishing to populate the ship with illigitimate kids so they will be excused from duties, may do so as long as they only take up bunk space from other crew members, as they will make do with hammocks.

Whilst the ship is being launched, some of the instruments that are played by the RM band will be replaced with a sitar, a tabla, and a tanpura. And the Union Flag will be replaced by a pink flag with the telephone number of P.C. helpline.

The rules waived Brittania many years ago.

[stufus]

Nice one gentlemen.
Very amusing .
http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b4...hey_sailor.jpg
Cheers
Stu

[mikeref]

Waiting for designated smoking areas and of course.....How many bars are on board. Braille will be handy when it comes to finding my way around late at night.

[stufus]

Only if you can read it Mike ;-)
Cheers
Stu

Waiting for designated smoking areas and of course.....How many bars are on board. Braille will be handy when it comes to finding my way around late at night.