Engineers Huh?

[Brian_UK]

Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

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Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea.I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

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Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons
Civil engineers build targets.

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Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

----------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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Understanding Engineers - Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over,picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[superswill]

great post brian

[laf100]

Most amusing! Many Thanks.

[nike123]

Nice collection!

Here is another one:

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer are travelling in an old Fiat 500 (Bambino) when all of the sudden the car backfires and comes to a halt.
The mechanical engineer says "Ah! It's probably a problem with the valves, or the piston!".
The electrical engineer says "Nonsense! It's most probably a problem with the spark plugs or the battery!".
The software engineer says "How about we all get out of the car, and get back in again".

[nike123]

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[nike123]

Engineering Problem!!

The great mathematician John Von Neumann was consulted by a group who was building a rocket ship to send into outer space. When he saw the incomplete structure, he asked, “Where did you get the plans for this ship?”
He was told, “We have our own staff of engineers.”
He disdainfully replied: “Engineers! Why, I have complete sewn up the whole mathematical theory of rocketry. See my paper of 1952.”
Well, the group consulted the 1952 paper, completely scrapped their 10 million dollar structure, and rebuilt the rocket exactly according to Von Neumann’s plans. The minute they launched it, the entire structure blew up. They angrily called Von Neumann back and said: “We followed your instructions to the letter. Yet when we started it, it blew up! Why?”
Von Neumann replied, “Ah, yes; that is technically known as the blow-up problem - I treated that in my paper of 1954.”

[paul_h]

Great jokes

[Grizzly]

I think my favourite is "Why can't they play at night"!

It appeals to my cynical humour anyways.
Thanks...
Grizzly

[CHIEF DELPAC]

In the words of Oliver, More please C.D.

[eggs]

This thread reminds me of a conversation i had with my accountant. She said "There are three types of accountant, one's that can add up and one's that can not"

I replied "your hired"


Cheers


Eggs

[CHIEF DELPAC]

The motto of the school that I went to for my engineer training was Yesterday I could not spell NGINERE today I is won C.D.

[coolments]

LOL great post, to continue

three women having coffee 1st says my husbands a florist and before we make love he showers me with flowers, second says my husbands a delicatician before we make love he gives me chocolates that we eat during before and after, third woman sighs and says "my husbands a sales engineer for air conditioning, he just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good its going to be when I get it.

[Ke-Fibertec UK]

just stolen that for an email to some old uni friends, thanks

[chillerman2006]

Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

---------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

---------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea.I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

-------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons
Civil engineers build targets.

--------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

----------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

---------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over,picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH ! Brian

You have give us boys a good beasting here ! mate

[install monkey]

how crude a joke can i post without getting kicked of the site? is there a 3 strike rule? should i send it to a moderator for approval first? but they might not give me credit for it??

[chillerman2006]

how crude a joke can i post without getting kicked of the site? is there a 3 strike rule? should i send it to a moderator for approval first? but they might not give me credit for it??

every ones on the edge of their seats now waiting for the joke

[install monkey]

i havent had confirmation yet!

[mikeref]

i havent had confirmation yet!

Maybe you could be creative and upload to utube then post us the link??

[chillerman2006]

Maybe you could be creative and upload to utube then post us the link??

Evening Mike

its a bit nearer than that http://www.refrigeration-engineer.co...chillerman2006

[mikeref]

LMAO, now i've got to find where i've hidden the blonde jokes... A blonde decides to go horse riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its steady pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horses mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but despite her best efforts, she slides down the horses flanks. The horse continues to gallop along oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety, but her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when, to her great fortune, the supermarket trolley boy sees her dilemma and.... unplugs the horse!!....