jokes

[tonto33]

A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asing her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."


This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"


These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Y e s I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I
s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d
s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f a c e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g,
h e w a s l i c k i n g h i s b a l l s!"

A Really Bad DayThere was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Renato RR]

Ha,ha.These are good.

Best regards,
RR

[kooler]

This guy goes home early from work one day, walks into his bedroom to find a stranger on top of his wife... Highly perturbed he asks, "What the hell are you two doing?"
The wife looks at the stranger and says, "See, I told you he was stupid!"


Then there was this fridgie whose wife had a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh... He claimed it was highly functional too because whenever he put his ear up to this sea shell he could smell the ocean!!!

[sandramark]

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

he he
lol wiki
i lol

[Fri3Oil System]

The 3 Chinese Punishments

There was a Vasc journalist who is sent to a small Spanish village to cover the bulls running on the local fair. When he arrives, he founds no room in the whole city, but a small Chinese restaurant with available rooms.
He gets in, rings the bell, but no one shows up. Then, a 1,10m-150-yrs-old-bold-1meter-chin- Chinese-chap appears from behind the reception counter and says:
- GOOOOOONG! Welcome to the Last Grape Chinese GuestHouse!
- Oh, yes, good evening, I need a bed for one night. You see, I am a journalist, and need to cover the bull running tomorrow very early.
- No ploblem! Only available “loom” is next “dool” to “honolable-old-man” “gleat-glanddaughter” one. I hope you do not “distulb” “hel”, “ol” the 3 Chinese Punishments will be applied to “honolable-old-man” “gleat-glanddaughtel usulpel”.
- Ah… don’t worry about that, I am a serious man, and I have to work hard tomorrow first thing, so I won’t bother your great-granddaughter.
- OK, “dinnel” is at 9pm.

Then the journalist(who we will call Aitor) goes to dinner, and there she comes… a lovely 20yrs-old amazing beautiful lady. She sits down just in front of him, and stares at him in a very sensual way. After The main course, she is already winking at him… after desert, her foot is between Aitor’s legs below the table… Then he jumps out of the table, and says goodnight.

When he is in bed, he hears the girl scratching his door… Then he thinks… come on! I am 100kg Vasc man… what could a 1,10m and 150yrs old man do to me? I am still young, and I could sleep a couple of hours do my job, and fly back home… and the lady is so gorgeous… He opens the door and they spent the rest of the night together.

When his alarm rings, he wakes up with a pain and a heavy weight on his chest and finds a huge Stone with a small paper on it…
- GOOOOOONG! Filst Chinese Punishment: 500kg “lock” on “honolable-old-man gleat-glanddaughtel usulpel chest”.
Uhh! Thankgoodness I am vasc, and I spent my chillhood lifting this kind of stones!
He gets up, with the rock in one hand, slides the courtain, opens the window, lifts the blind(remember he has a 500kg rock in one hand!) and throws the rock through the window. Then, he realises there is another paper on the window:
- GOOOOOONG! Second Chinese Punishment. 500kg “lock” tied to “honolable-old-man gleat-glanddaughtel usulpel’s” left testicle.
He sees the rope through the window and starts thinking very fast… ok, it’s 5 floors high… I can break my legs, but will keep my left testicle…
So, he decides to jump… When he is flying… there is a big sign in the street that says:
- GOOOOONG! “thild” Chinese Punishment: “honolable-old-man gleat-glanddaughtel usulpel’s” right testicle tied to bed leg.

This is a tribute to Chinese wisdom and Vasc strength. I hope You enjoyed it.

[HVACRsaurus]

Hobo walks into a bar wearing only one sandal. Barman says - loose a sandal mate? Hobo says - nah, I found one...