Bond, James Bond --

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

:cool:

Paula

A lady walks in a bar and there are no seats available except for one at a table that was occupied by a man,and she decides to take it.

He said,"Hello,my name is Jim Snow,what's yours?"

The woman replied,"June"

She goes to get a drink and Jim Snow sats there smiling.

When she returns he is still smiling.

"Why are you smiling at me like that" she asks.

Jim answers,"Well ,just imagine having 6 inches of Snow in June!":cool:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jamcool

Jim answers,"Well ,just imagine having 6 inches of Snow in June!":cool:

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Only six ???
:eek:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Abe

Only six ???
:eek:

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Must be an icicle.

.

come on guys dont offend me whats wrong in only having six, or are you using the wifes tape measure which you've informed her really means twelve.

Lrac

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LRAC

come on guys dont offend me whats wrong in only having six?
Lrac

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Would that be Linear or Circumference :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by frank

Would that be Linear or Circumference :D

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I don't know i've lost my micrometer

John Bull was married to Wanda and he loved her so much he had her name tatooed on his tool.

Except when it was limp and shrivelled all you could read was "WA", but when at attention it would read WANDA.

So John takes Wanda on a vacation to the Caribbean, and they go to Jamaica. They are out to a restaurant and John has to use the washroom. There is only one urinal avaialble and next to it is a big Rasta mon with dreads.

By chance, John notices the Rasta has a big WA on his member. So he asks the Rasta if his wife is named Wanda.

The Rasta says "No mon why you ask?"

John went and explained the WA - WANDA.

The Rasta just smiled and said.

"Dis is for dee toursit girls who come to dee Island mon. When 'im 'ard, 'im say "WELCOME TO JAMAICA"

Maybe the decimal place is wrong when you are doing your unit conversions. You might want to use millimeters as at least the number will be bigger!:D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Abby Normal

John Bull was married to Wanda and he loved her so much he had her name tatooed on his tool.

Except when it was limp and shrivelled all you could read was "WA", but when at attention it would read WANDA.

So John takes Wanda on a vacation to the Caribbean, and they go to Jamaica. They are out to a restaurant and John has to use the washroom. There is only one urinal avaialble and next to it is a big Rasta mon with dreads.

By chance, John notices the Rasta has a big WA on his member. So he asks the Rasta if his wife is named Wanda.

The Rasta says "No mon why you ask?"

John went and explained the WA - WANDA.

The Rasta just smiled and said.

"Dis is for dee toursit girls who come to dee Island mon. When 'im 'ard, 'im say "WELCOME TO JAMAICA"

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:D

heard a bit different version, the Girlfriends name was Wendy, the short was WY and the jamaicans read "welcome to Jamaica, this is your lucky day" :D

Last one sounds about right:) as you may or may not know Jamaica is a land of "wood and water":)

Jam

wood and water.......
excuse me, but Im not quick on the draw

I understand:) with age and all:) in this part of the world there are names for many things and a local name for the male private part is "wood" different strokes for different fokes:rolleyes:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jamcool

Last one sounds about right:) as you may or may not know Jamaica is a land of "wood and water":)

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Thought it was Big Bamboo

That too:) but did not want to confuse further:D Tell u what guys,COME VISIT JAMAICA and all will be explained well not all:eek: will leave it up to the local women to do the explaining on this one:cool:

Or the Welsh version : LUDO short for LLANDUDNO

Another Welsh version.....
Loch

Short for
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
http://llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychw...ogogoch.co.uk/


Chillin:) :)

How did a fun joke on James Bond's sexual prowess develope into a thread on the size and naming of penii? ( Is this the correct plural). LOL

It is so true that God gave men a brain and a p*nis , but not enought blood to run both at the same time.


Paula

The other jokes are funnier

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Paulajayne

It is so true that God gave men a brain and a p*nis , but not enought blood to run both at the same time.

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Hi Paulajayne

Hate to admit it but your spot on

Lrac

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Paulajayne

How did a fun joke on James Bond's sexual prowess develope into a thread on the size and naming of penii? ( Is this the correct plural). LOL

It is so true that God gave men a brain and a p*nis , but not enought blood to run both at the same time.


Paula

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not the brain, brain works just fine

Blood not enough for Both Heart and Pe......s
Thats why the women get so mad.

Cos the P .... always wins, Rules

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Paulajayne

It is so true that God gave men a brain and a p*nis , but not enought blood to run both at the same time.

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Got to admit that I do feel rather faint every time I ........... :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Paulajayne

It is so true that God gave men a brain and a p*nis , but not enought blood to run both at the same time.

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Yep, knew a man who was sooo well endowed that when he got sexually excited he'd pass out due to lack of blood.:rolleyes:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by frank

Got to admit that I do feel rather faint every time I ........... :D

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That could be something to do with old age....LOL

Chillin:) :)

Can anyone name 3 fish beginning and ending in K?

I'll give you the first one - Killer Shark

Killer Haddock

and

Killer Pollack ;)

Kwiksave-HaddocK
And 'KilmarnocK' because that is a pla(i)ce in Scotland.

Chillin:) :)

"Time for bed" said Zebedee